I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize