good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
