Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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