good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
