# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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