Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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