its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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