that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
im on a boat
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