I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
