PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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