Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize