a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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