I skipped work to stalk him.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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