there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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