i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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