i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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