I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
