I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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