Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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