she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
