Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
