I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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