Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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