Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
