Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
