dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
