girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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