Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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