I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
