I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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