I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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