Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
