hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
