i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Randomize
