Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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