bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Randomize
