Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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