Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
