so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It was confusing and full of hummus
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
