definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
