She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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