if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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