The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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