My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
