You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Your tits are I can't wait for
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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