youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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