I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
