East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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