Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Mom said you looked used
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
