the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
