girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
