Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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