The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize