and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
