Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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