it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
