So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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