i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
