I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
