U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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