I didn't shave. On purpose
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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