I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
