So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
