no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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