I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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